Osho Joke of a palm reader

Osho - A woman goes to a palm reader.
"Your husband will die a violent death," she is told.
"One more question," she asks. "Will I be acquitted?"

Osho Joke - When Big Sam loves, Big Sam buys

Osho - When the daughter of an aristocratic French family announces her engagement to a black man, Big Sam, her parents decide they must try to stop the marriage.
They call Big Sam in and tell him that their daughter is used to every luxury and has to have the finest, largest house in Paris to live in. The black man draws himself up and announces, "When Big Sam loves, Big Sam buys," and off he goes.
Sure enough, he buys the biggest and best house in Paris.
So the parents call him in again and tell him that their daughter longs for the largest, brightest diamond in all of France.
"When Big Sam loves, Big Sam gets," says the groom-to-be, and off he goes, returning with the biggest, brightest diamond the parents have ever seen.
In the last-ditch attempt to stop the marriage, the girl's father goes to see him privately, and tells him that to make their daughter happy he absolutely must have a prick that is twelve inches long.
The black man answers firmly, "When Big Sam loves, Big Sam cuts."

Osho Joke on love life drama

Osho - A psychiatrist was going around a mental hospital. He saw one man beating himself, pulling his hair, looking very suicidal. He was kept in a cell -- he was dangerous. He asked the superintendent, "What happened to this man?"

The superintendent said, "He loved a woman, he loved her very much, but he could not get her. She married somebody else. Since then he has been in this state. He wants to commit suicide, he does not want to live. He says there is no meaning in life: 'My meaning was in that woman. If I could not get that woman, that means my life is finished!'"

Feeling sorry for the man -- he was young and beautiful -- they moved ahead. They saw another cell and another man was inside it, and he was even more ferocious, very murderous.
The psychiatrist asked, "What has happened to this man?"

The superintendent said, "This is the man who married that same woman! Since he has married her he wants to kill her, and if he cannot kill her then he wants to kill anybody instead, but he wants to kill and destroy. He wants to kill the whole world! That woman drove him mad."

Osho Jokes

Pat went to see the doctor about his eyes. The doctor suggested he bathe them every morning in brandy.
The next time Pat came to see the doctor, the doctor asked him how his eyes were.
"Did you follow my advice?" he asked.
"I tried to -- but I can't raise the glass higher than my mouth!"

Osho Joke on Happiness

Osho Jokes

LET ME tell you first one small anecdote: "My doctor insisted that I came to see you." the patient told the psychiatrist. "Goodness knows why -- I am happily married, secure in my job, lots of friends, no worries..."
"Hmmm." said the psychiatrist, reaching for his notebook, "and how long have you been like this?"

what type of love life do lions have

Osho - A small child is reading a pictorial book on wild life, and he becomes very intrigued with the pictures of ferocious lions. He reads whatsoever is there, but one question is not answered there so he asks his mother.

He asks his mother: "Mom, what type of love-life do lions have?"
The mother said, "Son, I don't know much about Lions because all your father's friends are Rotarians."

Osho Joke on Philosophers and theologians

Osho - A PHILOSOPHER walked into a bakery and ordered a delicious fruitcake to be made with extravagant decorations.

”I want a birthday cake,” he said, ”with ’Happy Birthday’ written across the top. When could it be ready?”

”I can give it to you in twenty minutes, sir,” answered the attendant.

When the philosopher returned twenty minutes later, the cake was ready. He looked long and carefully at it, took a step back to examine it more closely, then said, ”Look, I really wanted it to be more decorative. Lots of color and icing-sugar swirls. And see here, instead of ’Happy Birthday’ write ’One Thousand Happinesses!’”

”okay,” said the confectioner, a little disappointed. ”Come again in another half an hour and I’ll have it ready.”

Half an hour later the philosopher returned. The cake was ready and he examined it very closely. He stopped and thought for a while, then said, ”Will you do this for me? Put even more flowers and swirls around the cake, and perhaps you could compose a longer message for the top – something like ’Congratulations! Lots of Love.’ Would you do all that?”

The confectioner agreed and made all the modifications. A little time later the philosopher returned, scrutinized the cake and exclaimed, ”Oh! Oh, yes! Now it is beautiful!”

”Can I wrap it for you, sir?” asked the confectioner, relieved.
”Oh no, thank you, that’s not needed. I’ll eat it here.”

The philosophers, the theologians, the logicians are the most stupid people in the world! And it is unfortunate, very unfortunate, that a man like Dionysius has to speak in the words of Christian philosophy, theology and logic. A Zen Master would have said the same thing in a very different way, very clearly, without using so many unnecessary words and without using the name of God at all.

Girl Salary with Pleasure

Osho - A girl taking a job in an office is asked by her intended employer how much she hopes to earn. ”Twenty dollars a week,” she answers.
”Twenty dollars?” he says. ”I’ll give you that with pleasure.”
”With pleasure, that will be thirty dollars,” she replies.

Osho, Be a Sport and Tell us that Juicy Joke

Question - Come On, Osho, Be a Sport and Tell us that Juicy Joke!

Osho - Okay, Maneesha!
ONE day, while studying the alphabet, the teacher looked at her second grade class and said, ”Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter A?”
All the children raised their hands, but teacher wouldn’t call on Johnny Badmouth because she knew he’d say ’asshole’ or some other bad word. Instead she called on Billy.
”Apple.”

”Very good,” replied teacher, ”and who can tell me a word that starts with the letter B?”
Many children raised their hands, but she refused to call on Johnny Badmouth because she knew
he’d say ’bastard’ or some other dirty word. She called on Mary.
”Boat.”

”Very good.”
And so on through the entire alphabet, each time ignoring Johnny Badmouth. ”And who can tell me a word that starts with the letter R?” The children raised their hands. The teacher racked her brains, but couldn’t think of a single dirty word that started with the letter R, and decided to call on Johnny.
”Rats,” said Johnny, and raised his hands to demonstrate. ”BIG FUCKING RATS!”

Osho Joke on knowledgeable man

Osho : The knowledgeable man is just like a donkey carrying the load of the past – of the scriptures, of theories, philosophies and theologies. He cannot answer a single real question, although he can answer millions of unreal questions.

A Hebrew driving a small cart drawn by a donkey came to a toll bridge. The toll collector came out of his house and said, ”Here, you’ve got to pay toll before you can cross this bridge.”

”Vat! To pay toll?”
”Yes, five cents to cross the bridge.”

After an argument the Hebrew paid the five cents and went on. In the afternoon he came back
again, but this time he had the donkey sitting on the seat and he was dragging the cart himself.
The toll man came out and said, ”Here, you know you’ve got to pay five cents.”

The Hebrew shook his head, and pointing to the donkey, said, ”Don’t talk vit me – esk de driver.”
The pundit, the scholar, the academician, is just like a donkey sitting in a cart pretending to be the driver. He is not a driver. He knows nothing. Although he has gathered much knowledge, still he knows nothing.

Knowing is a totally different phenomenon than knowledge.

Osho jokes

Osho jokes

1. A burly truck driver sauntered into a tavern in a mean mood, obviously looking for a fight. "Everybody on this side of the bar is a no-good, dirty bum!" he shouted. "Anybody want to make something of it just stand up!" Nobody stood up. "Everybody on this side of the bar is a faggot! A fairy!" No one moved, then suddenly a man stood up. "You wanna fight?" snarled the truck driver. "No," lisped the man, "it's just that I'm on the wrong side of the bar." That's how the mind goes on playing the game -- rationalizing everything.
   
   
2. Harold started hitchhiking and in just a few moments he was picked up by Eleanor, a luscious-looking librarian. "Would you like a cigarette?" he asked. "No, thanks," she replied. "I don't smoke!" They rode in silence for a short time and Harold said, "I know a nice bar up the road here; would you like to stop and have a drink?" "Thank you, no," said Eleanor. "I don't drink!" Ten minutes later, Harold took a wild shot and said, "Why don't we stop at the next motel and make love?" She said, "Alright!"
   
   They stopped, made it like mad for two solid hours, and then were back driving in her car. "Say, I'm curious," said Harold. "When I asked you to have a smoke, you said no. When I offered to buy you a drink, you turned me down. Yet you went to the motel with me. How come?" "Well," said the librarian, "I always practice what I preach. I tell my Sunday school that you don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
   
   
3. Muriel and Tina were discussing their recent experiences over cocktails. "Say," asked Muriel, "how did you make out with that eccentric millionaire you met yesterday?"
   "He gave me five hundred dollars," said Tina. "That screwball wanted to make it in a coffin." "No kidding!" exclaimed Muriel. "I'll bet that shook you up?" "Yeah, but not as much as the six pall-bearers."
   
   

Osho Jokes, Osho Jokes Book

Osho Jokes Series

1. "Daddy, what is polygamy?"
   "Polygamy is a situation in which a man can have more than one wife."
   "Okay. So what do you call a situation in which a man can have only one wife?"
   "Monotony, my son, monotony."
   
   
2. Mulla Nasrudin used to serve as a constable. He caught hold of a woman who was driving a car. Of course, a woman and a car driver never go together, so she was going wrong. Mulla took his notebook and started writing. The woman said, 'Wait! I know the chief minister, so don't be worried.' But Mulla continued writing; he didn't pay any attention. The woman said, 'Do you know, I even know the governor!' But the Mulla continued writing.
   The woman said, 'Listen, what are you doing? I even know Indira Gandhi!'
   Mulla said, 'Listen lady, do you know Mulla Nasrudin?'
   She said, 'No, never heard of him.'
   He said, 'My name is Mulla Nasrudin, and unless you know Mulla Nasrudin, nothing doing.'
   
   
3. Pat's son became an actor, and one evening rushed home to his father in a state of great excitement, "Guess what Dad," he announced, "I have just been given my first part. I play a man who has been married for twenty-five years."
   "Keep it up my son," said Pat, "someday you may get a speaking part, too."
   
   
4. Little Ernie took his paper up to the teacher for marking and as she bent over the desk, he looked down the front of her blouse and said, "Teacher, I see something."
   The teacher was extremely embarrassed and said, "Ernie, that is very rude. Tomorrow, don't come to school." The next week Ernie was sitting in the front row when the teacher was writing on the blackboard. She dropped her chalk and, with her back to Ernie, bent down to pick it up.
   Ernie got up and without a word headed for the door.
   "Where are you going?" asked the teacher sternly.
   "Teacher," said Ernie, "my school days are over."
   
   
5. Paddy and Sean are eating their lunch on the construction site. Suddenly Paddy says, "Yuck! I just ate a worm in this apple."
   "Well," says Sean, "drink some water and wash him down."
   "To hell with him," replies Paddy, throwing away the applecore. "Let him wash himself."
   
   
6. Paddy gets a little high at the party and starts to make a play for the luscious babe playing the piano. But in his drunken fog he trips, and the piano cover closes on his fingers.

   His wife, Maureen, goes over and picks him off the floor. "Remind me to put a piece of ice on your black eye when we get home," she says soothingly.

   "But I haven't got a black eye," says Paddy.

   "I know," replies Maureen, "but you're not home yet."

   
   
7. Paddy climbs up a flagpole and begins shouting obscenities at the top of his voice. Soon the cops come along, arrest him, and charge him with disturbing the peace. He is sent to the psychiatric hospital for an examination. "How do you explain your behavior?" asks the doctor.
   "It is like this, Doc," replies Paddy, "if I did not do something crazy once in a while, I would go nuts."
   
   
8. One day, Paddy, who worked in the local brewery, fell into a gigantic barrel of beer and drowned. When his wife was informed of the accident she asked if she could see the scene of the tragedy.

   At the brewery the foreman explained to her, "He was climbing this ladder when he slipped and fell into the beer and drowned."

   "How terrible!" exclaimed Maureen. "It must have been an agonizing death."

   "I would not say exactly agonizing," replied the foreman. "He managed to get out twice to go to the bathroom!"
   
   
9. One old man married a young girl. He was ninety and the girl was only nineteen. His sons -- one was seventy, another was sixty -- all told him, "This is not the time for you to marry. Don't make us all ashamed. Everybody will laugh."

   He said, "It is not your business. I have fallen in love, I am going to marry." And he married, and the doctor who used to look after the old man said to him, "Your getting married... It is very dangerous at your age. It would be better to have a boarder in your house." He meant him to keep some young man in the house who would take care of his wife, but that was understood.

   After nine months the doctor saw the old man in the market, and he said, "How are things going?"

   He said, "Great! My wife is pregnant."

   The doctor said, "And what about the boarder?"

   He said, "She is also pregnant."

   Now this is life!

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Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh Jokes, Osho Jokes

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh Jokes

1. Salesgirl to shopper: "Yes, madam, these bras come in four sizes: small, medium, large and wow!"
   
   
2. The light in the whorehouse was out so Mimi came into the room and did not even look at the body of the man whom she was in bed with. After rolling around on the bed for a while, she stopped, looked at the guy and said, "What is this, man, don't you have one?"
   "Oh yes, I do!" answered the guy. "What I am missing is my left leg!"
   
   
3. Two Italian woodcutters were working in the forest. Suddenly one of them missed the tree with his axe and cut off his companion's right leg in one blow. In between screams and yells the other woodcutter angrily shouts, "If you do that again, I'm-a gonna kick-a the shit-a out of you!"
   
   
4. A Frenchman who recently arrived in New York was invited to a golden wedding anniversary. He didn't understand the celebration and asked his American friend about it. "Do you see those two old people?" asked his friend. "Well, they have been living together for fifty years and now they are celebrating their golden wedding."
   "Ah, ah!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "He live with the lady fifty years, and now he marry her. How noble!"
   
   
5. It was morning, and she was still in her robe. Pausing in the half-open entrance door of her home, she called to the milkman who had just then pulled up to the curb.
   "Pardon me, but do you have the time?" she asked.
   "Yes," he said, "but not the inclination."
   
   
6. The Polish Police Department send their officers for an examination before giving them promotion. Kazowinsky came back from the examination with his extra stripe and was warmly congratulated by his commanding officer.
   "Good work! Tell us all about it!" said the inspector.
   "Well," replied Kazowinsky, "we were all close until the final question of the mathematics paper. They asked us to add two and two -- I said five!" he announced proudly.
   "But Kazowinsky, two and two are four, not five!" said the inspector.
   "I know that now," he grinned, "but I was the closest!"
   
   
7. An Italian frog was traveling to America. On his way he passed a beautiful swamp where he met a big fat American frog. He said, "How-a are you doing-a?"
   "Great!" replied the frog. "In swamp, out swamp, lots of food. Far out!"
   The Italian leaped on and met another big American frog. "How-a are you doing-a?" he asked.
   "Groovy, man, just great!" came the reply. "In swamp, out swamp, lots of food -- great!"
   The Italian began to feel very happy about his new land. He leaped on and met a tiny, skinny little girl frog.
   "What's-a wrong-a here?" he asked. "I have-a met-a two big-a fat-a frogs who said, `In-a swamp-a, out-a swamp-a, lots-a of food-a!' But what-a has happened to you?"
   The tiny frog whispered in answer, "I am Swamp!"

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Osho Rajnish jokes

Osho Rajnish jokes

1. This marine is sent to a distant island outpost where there are no women, but there is a large monkey population. He is shocked to see that without exception his fellow marines all make love with the monkeys. And he swears to them that he will never get that horny. They tell him not to be closed-minded. But as the months passed by, the marine can hold out no longer. He grabs the first monkey he can and gets caught in the act by his buddies, who start laughing their heads off.
   Surprised, he says to them, 'What are you guys laughing at? You keep telling me to do it!'
   They answer, 'Yeah, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?'
   
   
2. A man visiting a whorehouse was astonished at the quality of the girl he was assigned. He said, "You look so beautiful and have such fine manners. You actually look like you come from a very fine, wealthy family."
   "Actually, I do!" she said, "My family is Catholic and they are aristocrats."
   He then noted how intelligent she was and she told him she had graduated cum laude from Vassar. He noted then that she must have traveled worldwide because of her cultured ways. And she said that indeed she had traveled the world many times.
   Thereupon he said, "Well how in the world did you ever come to work in a place like this?"
   She replied, "Just lucky, I guess!"
   
   
3. There was once a young man whose mind was filled with many burning questions about life. He learned of a wise old Catholic sage who lived on a high mountain, and decided to undertake the arduous journey. After many months of caravans, hiking and climbing, he came upon the hermit sitting outside a small cave as still and peaceful as any statue.
   The seeker knelt in front of him, bowed his head respectfully, and humbly asked, "Why am I here?"
   "Why indeed!" grumbled the old man. "I told them to send up a girl!"
   
   
4. The wealthy woman woke up, looked around her bedroom, then rang for her Chinese houseboy, Fu Ling. She asked him how she got home the night before, and he said, "I bring missy home."
   Then she asked him how she got undressed. Fu Ling said, "I undress missy."
   She asked then how she got into bed, and he said, "I put missy to bed."
   Whereupon she said, "God, I must have been tight!"
   Fu Ling replied, "First time, yes, missy! Second time...no!"
   
   
5. A businessman was about to enter a hotel bar after a heavy day at the office when he was stopped by a nun who delivered him a lecture on the evils of alcohol, assuring him that drink was the most certain path to hell.
   "Sister," he interrupted at last, "I am a most temperate man and only have one drink every few days to relax me. One drink never hurt anyone. Even Jesus had the odd glass of wine! Besides, how can you condemn something you have never experienced? You should try just one drink yourself, just so you know what you are talking about!"
   
   The nun protested indignantly at this suggestion, but in the ensuing discussion found it more and more difficult to rebuke the logic of the executive. "Okay," she said in the end, "you have convinced me. I will try a small drink of whiskey -- may God forgive me! But you better bring it out to me in a teacup in case anyone sees me."
   The businessman agreed happily and entered the hotel. "A pint of beer, please," he called to the barman, "and one Scotch, in a teacup, if you don't mind."
   The barman looked up with a frown. "Don't tell me that bloody nun is still out there!"

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Osho Rajneesh Jokes

Osho Jokes

1. The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
   "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. "What is your name?"
   
   
2. Mulla Nasrudin and his wife went to Israel for their holidays and visited a nightclub in Tel Aviv. A comedian was on the bill who did his whole act in Hebrew. Nasrudin's wife sat through the comic's act in silence, but Nasrudin roared with laughter at the end of each joke. "I did not know you understood Hebrew," she said to the Mulla when the comedian had concluded his act.
   "I don't," replied Nasrudin.
   "Well, how come you laughed so much at his jokes?"
   "Oh," said Nasrudin, "I trusted him."
   
   
3. Makowski, the agent, called his friend Lyssky, the producer of striptease shows. "Lyssky," he shouted, "I've got a girl for you that is gonna make a fortune for both of us. She is incredible -- gotta a pair of lungs that will knock your eyes out! Listen to these statistics: hips -- forty; waist -- twenty-seven; chest -- ninety-nine!"
   "Incredible!" said Lyssky. "What kind of act does she do?"
   "Act? What act?! She just crawls out and tries to stand up!"
   
   
4. The newlyweds arrived at their honeymoon hotel. The excited groom, quite pleased with his reputation as a lover, and eager to thrill his bride with his expertise, quickly threw her upon the bed and performed with the skill of a champion sexual athlete. When it was over he whispered to his bride, "Ah yes, my dear, I could tell how pleased you were -- I noticed your toes curling up in ecstasy. I promise you I will always bring you such joy!"
   She whispered in reply, "Perhaps next time, Romeo, you could remove my pantyhose first!"
   
   
5. In a school in Poland the teacher asks, "Has any of you ever saved somebody's life?"
   A little boy raises his arm, "Yes, my little nephew's."
   "How did it happen? Tell us!" asks the teacher.
   The little Polack says, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"
   
   
6. The unmarried Polack cleaning woman had a baby. When asked by a social worker about the father of the child, she replied curtly, "Dunno! You think I turn around every time I clean the stairs?"
   
   
7. The phone is ringing in the doctor's office. He picks it up and hears the desperate voice of a Polack woman: "Hello, Doc! Did I leave my underpants in your room after the medical examination?"

   "No," replies the doctor, "they are not here."

   Half an hour later she calls again. "Hello, Doc, it's me again. Don't worry anymore, I found them -- they were at the dentist's!"

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4. Osho Jokes, Osho Jokes Book
   
5. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh Jokes
   
6. Beloved Osho and Polack Jokes
   
7. Osho why you are always Joking
8. Osho, what is the Secret of a Joke
9. Osho Jokes on repressed Sexuality
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